Confessions

Astroloholics Anonymous.

Hi, I’m Jenny, and I’m an astroloholic.

Some would refer to me as a horoscope junkie or a stargazer. It seems I just can’t help myself. I’ve leafed through thousands of newspapers, shuffling the pages and inhaling deeply the scent of newsprint, relishing the telltale black smudges on my fingers as I reach those blessed pages. Nestled between the sports section and the smut ads, an approximation of the outcome of my day based on which planet is housed in what sign and what that means for me based on the date, time, and location in which I was born.

Sweet, delicious predictions.

I originally started reading the ‘scopes in the Toronto Sun. Back in the days when I slung grease instead of coffee, flipping burgers and figuring out what the hell was just barked at me over the DT speaker — story of my life — I would grab the paper and take it with me to the crew room to peruse over my lunch break. Then I moved up to the Star. Before I knew it, I was all about the snarky horoscopes in NOW Magazine (Dan Savage’s sex advice column in the back kicked a lot of ass as well). After that, well, you know how it goes.

All roads lead to the internet.

With one quick search, you can find tens of thousands of websites solely dedicated to making such predictions, with one definite perk: many of them offer not just daily or weekly horoscopes, but MONTHLY and YEARLY. Dear God, I was in heaven. I avoided the yearly ones because it just seemed like an overwhelming amount of information, but I snapped up the monthly ones faster than you can say “Capricorn-on-the-cusp-of-Sagittarius”.

I’ve been reading one of my favorite sites for about three months now. Within the first week of each month, I find myself on Susan Miller’s site taking mental notes of potential monthly pitfalls and attitudes to avoid. Then, near the end of the month, I reread my horoscope to see what came true and what didn’t. It’s a legitimate addiction, I’m not kidding you.

And when the predictions turn out to be accurate, I freak the fuck out. Example: I read that in November, I’d reconnect with a friend from my past and I’d be feeling nostalgic for better days gone by. This week I happened to reconnect with one of my former coworkers via Twitter, and we’re planning to meet up for coffee when I move back to the city. I am freaking the fuck out. When one thing comes true, I’m driven to return to the site again and again and analyze potential outcomes for the remainder of the month. I bite my nails in anticipation to see what December may have in store for me. I’m completely lost to my horoscope addiction.

I’m not entirely sure it’s a negative thing. Sure, knowing the outcome might ruin the journey for some people, but I have a hell of a lot of fun being on the lookout for things that might happen. I make decisions I may have otherwise ignored if I hadn’t been so intent on seeing signs everywhere. So yes, it may be incredibly dorky that I try to secretly check my horoscope every day (and, of course, monthly), but I’m OK with racking up a few points on the lame scale if it means it’ll make me more aware of myself and my surroundings.

I know I can’t be the only one.

Stand up, fellow astroloholics, and be proud that you might potentially know what could possibly happen to you in the near future (plus or minus ten days)!

Speak freely.

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