Confessions, Life

Prime Real Estate.

My mind, in those days, was a slum. The buildings there were crumbling, decrepit, forgotten homes to rats and cockroaches. Broken windows housed broken thoughts as punshiment for crimes I did not commit. The streets were piled high with emotional garbage and baggage, a pothole became an impassable crevasse as my mentality turned toxic and dark.

I was worthless. As depression, my friend and constant lover, moved itself into every rotten high-rise apartment and drove me closer to the ground, I conjured my own demons and invited them to take up space, move in and get comfortable. No one could hurt me as much as I hurt myself, no one could destroy what I had built as completely as I could. In a thick red book, I recorded every imagined transgression I committed. I starved myself because to nourish my body was to acknowledge the good still left inside. I would not give my body what it needed to keep going when the only thing I wanted was to stop breathing, stop living, stop taking up space.

My mental forest was hastily paved over so nothing could grow there. Hot asphalt burned every living thing and the fertile grass could no longer reach the sun and so expired and languished underneath the pavement. A voice once used for singing and laughing was reserved only for screams. A heart once used for kindness and love grew hard and small until it became nothing more than a useless tumor inside my chest. My hands, once used to stroke and comfort and form chords along the neck of my beloved guitar wielded razors and thumbtacks and steak knives and scissors and learned to use them against the bad blood inside my disgusting veins. Eyes that once sought beauty in nature looked no further than my naked form in the mirror, judging and hating and welling up with tears.

In those days, I was never good enough.

But sometimes, if the conditions are just right, a flower will grow on the sidewalk. Resistant to the barrier between earth and light, it will fight its way through the tiniest cracks in its quest to bloom. In a place where nothing should grow, where every precaution has been laid down and every chance destroyed, you will suddenly find a bright blossom raising a floral middle finger to your challenges. In that place, in the rubble of my mental city, I began to bloom again.

My bitter eyes fixated on that small glimmer of hope and I began to water it. As I tore away the cement with my vicious fingers, I was distracted from self-harm. I was busy, I had a spark of life to save. To my surprise, under all the roads and sidewalks I had built to smother myself, the forest of creativity within remained green and fertile.

I evicted depression from its towers, forced the demons to leave. I tore down every monument to self-hatred I had built within my mind and discovered the beautiful world inside. No matter how hard I had tried to ruin everything, burn it down and leave nothing but ash, it had lived on in secret, in spite of my attacks and made stronger because of them.

My mind, these days, is prime real estate. Forest and city entwined, built with monuments to inner strength and self-love. Golden towers house my happiest memories and the only resident is positivity. Instead of rats and cockroaches, there are butterflies. Each pane of glass painstakingly restored and clean streets I can wander. And the forest, where my well of creativity makes its home, is green and alive and wonderful.

No one can destroy what I’ve built.
Not even me.

10 thoughts on “Prime Real Estate.”

  1. You are a real inspiration! Depression is such a hard lover to evict. Your analogy with real estate is so apt, and what you’ve created in that space is totally beautiful. Thank you for being willing to share this with us. I am in awe.

    1. I think that’s what makes depression so difficult to overcome — it’s very good at seeping into your life and convincing you that without the misery you’d be nothing. But every day there are millions of people getting up and going about their day, refusing to let it stop them. I’m happy to be able to say I’m just one of those people. 🙂

      I had a thought one day that if my mind was a city, I wouldn’t want to sell the houses to depression. I would want happiness and kindness to take up space, not loneliness and self-loathing. I’m glad you like my analogy! 😀 And thanks for taking the time to read it.

  2. Yay! I’m so happy for you. Reading your beautiful writing, I wouldn’t have guessed you were suffering (in the past) from depression. You seem so strong and organized. Keep on keepin’ on Baby! You’re doing GREAT!

    1. Thank you so much! I’ve fought a lot of inner demons to get where I am and I’m so grateful for the happiness I’ve managed to find. Your support most definitely helps me keep moving forward! Thanks for reading and commenting! 😀

  3. No matter how the self hatred destroys us….our basic survival tendencies can’t be completely quashed. Something as small as a seed is all we need to just hang on.
    This is beautiful Jen. Thank you for sharing.

  4. No matter how the self hatred destroys us….our basic survival tendencies can’t be completely quashed. Something as small as a seed is all we need to just hang on.
    This is beautiful Jen. Thank you for sharing.

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